I'm Choosing Happy (with a side order of Awww Jeez)

So my hubby got laid off.

Awww Jeez...That is pretty much all I can think.  Not only did he get laid off but they didn't pay him his whole paycheck and back dated the end date of our medical insurance.  Which leaves us with no medical insurance...grrrr.  Hailey and Zachary luckily have medical insurance through their dads but Aubrey, Tim and I are out of luck for awhile....great.  This is just what we need.

So we filed a wage claim to try and get the pay that he didn't get (which will take 3 to 4 months to even get heard at all) but are out of luck when it comes to the medical insurance unless we wanted to hire an attorney (which we absolutely don't care to try to do).

And we have made a big decision.  Hubby is going to go back to school.  It should take a little less than 2 years so we have come up with a plan to survive until he is done...Awww Jeez...

I cut our already very meager little budget down a few hundred dollars more and he will get unemployment for awhile and obviously the savings plan will be cut off completely...

Did I say Awww Jeez yet???

So it has been 14 days since he was laid off and even though I still keep saying Awww Jeez every few hours, I feel excited...

I know I am crazy.  But I do feel excited.  I'm really hoping that this is going to be our blessing in disguise.  Our sign from God that says...yeah, that wasn't working for you anyways.

I hated having him gone 4 to 5 days a week.  The kids were sad to have him gone and I was over worked (and ha ha...underpaid!!).  I was lonely and sad and had to force myself to sleep each night.  Although the money was ok, the sacrifice that we were having to make as a family was crap.  So I'm really excited!

I am choosing HAPPY!!  For the first time in a long time, things are not going our way and I am choosing happy anyways.  And I have to say, it feels good.

Happy that our children get to see their daddy every day.  Happy that I get to fall asleep in my loves arms every night.  Happy that all of those weird honey do list things are almost done around the house.  Happy that my hubby is excited about the future for the first time in a long time.

So no matter what comes, I am choosing HAPPY...(even if I am saying Awww Jeez under my breath every once in a while!!)

The ponytail

We deal with some pretty crazy behaviors from Hailey in the morning...The more we react, the stronger and crazier they become.  So we try to ignore them the best we can..."WE" meaning the adults in the household (oh wait, I'm the only adult here 4 days a week!!).

Try getting a 4 year old to ignore her 10 year old sister pulling her hair or touching her arm or taking her juice or biting her eggs or snatching her teddy...or generally driving her crazy.

It is IMPOSSIBLE and the more the 4 year old screams, the more the 10 year old does...A crazy crazy start to the morning.

So I am trying something new...It is working so far although I have no illusions that it will be effective more than a couple of weeks.

Hailey is obsessed with having a ponytail in her hair.  Not a clip, not a bow, not a headband, not two ponytails or a braid...ONE PONYTAIL.  And for a little lady who cannot speak, she sure does know how to get that point across.  She holds her one finger up (very strongly I might add...which basically is yelling in sign language) and then points to the top of her head.

So I have officially made the ponytail a REWARD.  When we go downstairs for breakfast, I say "if you keep your hands to yourself, you can have a ponytail for school!".  And she claps and laughs and giggles.

So last week marked the first day with no ponytail...she started with a gentle touch on her sisters leg, to which the 4 year old screams "DON'T TOUCH ME!" (remember when you were little and your little sister or brother poked their finger as close as they could to you without actually touching you and they said things like "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you"...well it is pretty much like that)  Then I say, Hailey hands to yourself so you can have your ponytail.  So then she ups the anty...I turn my back to put the pan in the dishwasher and she snatches the 4 year olds hair...(ugggg...I hate to have her not earn her reward).  More screaming from the little one and I say, ok...no ponytail.  You can try again tomorrow.

Oh my, the tears that came from her little eyes were heartbreaking...she cried and cried and put her little finger up and pointed to the top of her head and tried to guide my hand to her head.  It was so sad.  I felt awful.  But I held my ground (all while the 4 year old is behind me saying, things like "you shouldn't have touched me"...which by the way is NOT helping!!).

No Ponytail.

The world was over for her that morning.

I told the teacher when we got to school about the reward and asked her to write a note if she kept her hands to herself and I would do her ponytail after school.

And she did keep her hands to herself...all day.  So she got her ponytail...and we had a very peaceful few mornings where I didn't even have to give her the one warning.

She tried it again today and I was consistent.  She went with no ponytail...

I guess that we shall see if this works for longer than a week...I hope that we make it awhile because I'm running out of ideas here...

Plus, I really like her hair in a ponytail!!

The intersection

My husband and I went on a big date Saturday night to....(drum roll please)...TARGET!!  OK OK OK, well we went out to dinner afterwards and to a movie so it was a big date night but the highlight (for me at least) was Target!

I love Target.  I love love love love it.  For whatever reason I would rather wander around there than anywhere else.   I like to shop but it's not about shopping.   Weird, I know.  Their marketing department is literally GENIUS!!

So yes, back to the point...Hubby and I had just left Target with a new bathroom floor mat and a shower curtain (love love love)...and we are at the intersection and we see an accident.  Not a really bad one, just a fender bender...but an accident none the less.  And he starts telling me that he saw a news report and apparently that is the most dangerous intersection in the county to drive through.  Scary.  Especially since I drive through it every day about 5 times (Hailey to school and back, Aubrey to school, grocery store and of course, Target).

This weekend there was an accident on the highway where a drunk driver was going 100 mph the wrong way on the freeway and hit a tow truck driver head on.  The tow truck driver is a very good friend of my brothers and ended up (thank god) surviving with only a few scrapes and bruises...(side note, the drunk driver did not make it).

Hubby was home for 5 days and I hadn't driven myself in awhile until this morning...And I found when I got into the car that I was suddenly frozen.  All I could think about was driving through that intersection to drop Hailey off at school...What if someone hit us?  What if there was a drunk driver?  What if it was a teenager not paying attention.  My mind started running away with me.  I had to sort of snap myself out of it in order to get on the road.

The whole way to Hailey's school I was thinking about how sad it would have been if I let my fear grip me and not move forward.

There are so many intersections in our lives...Turn left or right?  Go straight or make a u-turn?  I may not know exactly where I'm headed but I do know that I will always have choices...(and also that there will always be a Target on some corner coming up!!!).

Maybe the tears will end.

Sometimes it's just that kind of day.  Things aren't going right & you just want to pack up and take off...for a year or so.

Maybe in a year everything will magically be fixed.  Maybe the fighting can end.  Maybe the tears will stop.  Maybe I could just blink and go back.

Back to Zach's first bike ride...

2000

 Or Hailey's first time up on her hands & knees


2003

Or when my Grandpa was alive...


2003

Or when we went to San Diego...



2005

  Or when Hailey was just learning to stand...
 

2004

 Or when my cousin got married...

2005

 Or Aubrey's Christmas photos...

2008

But how far would I go back if I could?  Any of these places were changing moments in my life and in my children's lives.  Change any of it and you change it all...and I wouldn't change it all...

I don't need a doctor to diagnose me...thanks though.

When I was a little girl, I always had a very clean room.  My car was clean as I entered the driving era.  My first apartment was neat and tidy.  My first house was clean.  I always liked things in order and neat and clean.  I was raised that way.  My mother is the same...neat and tidy...

When Hailey was born that neat and tidy attitude took on a mind of its own.  My life was out of control.  I didn't handle anything very well.  I cried at the drop of a hat.  I yelled at friends and family and strangers for that matter.

Hailey age 1 year

But I could control some things.  I could control how organized I was.  I could control how clean the house was.  I could control the laundry and the dishes and the material things in our house.  I could control how neat the yard was.  I could control how everything looked on the outside even though my insides were a disaster.

Mom and Hailey age 1.5 years

I'm still that way.  I still have some pretty major elements of that behavior.  I have learned to manage it pretty well so that I only detail clean the house once a week and I don't obsess over it every minute of every day.  But I can't stand to have garbage in the bathroom garbage cans.  I can't stand to have laundry in the hampers.  I can't stand to have dishes in the sink.

When I am upset or stressed or overwhelmed...I clean things.

Does that make me weird? ~ probably.  dysfunctional? ~ in some things.  crazy? ~ aren't we all in our own ways? 

The truth is...it works for me.  It works for our family.  It works for my husband and for my children.  I was asked by one of Hailey's doctors if I was ever diagnosed...no I wasn't...do we all need a label? 

Can't we just say that it is the way that I deal? 




Mom, Aubrey age 3 & Hailey age 10


When you think that it is a weird way to be...just think...I could have turned to drugs or alcohol or other madness...instead I turned to cleaning ~ I don't think that's so bad!!

Words...real words!

It's been a long time since I've blogged.  Our family has had some crisis moments in the last month and I have had so many intimate feelings with these problems that I haven't been able to write.  I haven't been able to put my emotions into words that made any sense to anyone.  But I'm back...feeling a little bit recovered and able to take on the world once again...

Hailey has been going to speech therapy once a week since her last IEP.  She has until May to show improvement in her speech and be approved for continuing speech therapy. 

She doesn't like it.  At all.  It is hard for her.  She is frustrated.

But she tries so hard.

And finally...she can speak!!

OK so there are only a couple of words but hey, that's better than a few months ago!

She can say go, coco (our dogs name), HA (short for Hailey, we are working on the whole word), mine (you better believe she learned this one first!!) and most importantly...the most useful word in her new little vocabulary is (drum roll please...) UT OH!!

Oh my that word is the best...the water splashed out of the tub (ut oh)...the barbie fell (ok was thrown) down the stairs (ut oh)...the food jumped (ok was dumped) off of the plate (ut oh)...I could go on and on...

But I love Love LOVE it...I don't even care if it comes right after throwing the poor barbie doll down the stairs!  It is an amazing word that she can say consistently and she is so PROUD!

PROUD PROUD PROUD of herself and I love it (did I say that already?)

I am so excited for this new development and so proud of her for trying so hard to do it.  I am hoping that she continues to learn new words.

I think that it is most important to remember in this situation the same thing that I always say to my son "just do your best"...and that is all I expect of her as well...her best & I am so proud of her!

I remember...I see

Looking back...I remember when Hailey was fully included in a regular Kindergarten classroom.  I remember that she had her 6th birthday party and 6 regular developing girls came from her class!  I remember that they jumped in the jump house in the rain laughing and playing.  I remember that they dried their wet little feet by the fire.  I remember that Hailey smiled and played with them.  I remember that...

Looking back...I don't remember when things changed.  I don't remember when the regular developing children began to shy away from her.  I don't remember when the stares from children at school began.  I don't remember when she began to pull other children's hair.  I don't remember when she began to strip her clothes off when she was having a fit.  I don't remember when...

Looking back...I remember when she was a baby.  I remember that we use to go on playdates with Zach's friends.  I remember that I use to sit with the other mommies and laugh and watch our kids play on the playground.  I remember that she use to smile at the clouds.  I remember that I could take her anywhere.

Looking back...I don't remember when I stopped being able to take her anywhere.  I don't remember when I stopped being able to go on playdates with other children.  I don't remember when I stopped having a connection with other mommies.  I don't remember when...

But now...I do see that she still smiles at the clouds.  I do see that she still loves to sit by the fire and warm her toesies.  I do see that we can have playdates with Aubrey and Mommy and Hailey.  I do see that she has 2 friends from her class coming to her party.  I do see that she still laughs and plays with those children.  I do see that she is growing and developing into a lovely young lady.  I do see...

I do see how much joy she brings us and how much she is loved....