Touring a New School

I don't know what I expected. 

Maybe I wanted to see ten year old girls sitting in a classroom with little pig tails and curled hair and pretty dresses.  Maybe I wanted to see children like Hailey speaking and spelling and reading.  Maybe I was looking for a magical place.   Maybe my expectations were too high.  Maybe I was looking for the Disneyland of options for my little lady.

I don't know what I expected but it wasn't what I saw.

I want for her a place to learn where the teachers have staying power.  Where they stay more than a year.  Where she doesn't lose the people that she trusts...the people that I trust her with.

I want for her a place where she has friends.  Where children laugh as much as she does and there is fun in the air and learning and fun.  Where she learns how to write but also how to use the bathroom by herself.

I want for her a place where adults don't yell at her.  Where she listens because they speak softly and she is interested in what they are teaching.

I want for her a place that I would want for any ten year old girl.  A place where she is safe and taken care of.  Where she doesn't get off the bus with dirty underwear.  Where her teachers don't call children worthless...no matter what the context.

I want for her a place where people love her and teach her and take care of her. 

It's not like I'm going to give up because I'm not but I'm giving myself this chance to be sad that I won't be fighting for this option...I would have had to "push a boulder uphill" which is what the advocate said...in order to get her into that school.  So at least I don't have to fight for something that isn't even good for her.

I want for me to have my auntie be alive so that I can put my head in her lap and she can tell me that I am doing everything that I can and that if I need to yell and scream then to yell and scream at her.

I want for me to have an outlet or a hobby or a job...something else to do than to think about this.

I want for me to not have to advocate for her for a while.

I want for me to not have to fight for every hour of therapy, every minute of intervention, every moment of communication. 

I want for me to find her the perfect place.  I want for me to find her Disneyland of options...a magical spot that will help her to learn and be happy.