It's noone's fault but my own

There are days in this life where I am down and there are days where I am up.  I mostly write about the down days because to tell you the truth those are the moments that I need support.  I need to get those days out of my head so that I can move on to the next day.  Those are the days that I need to write down.  Occasionally I have a really difficult day (like yesterday) where I would rather crawl back into bed and hide underneath the covers...where drinking an entire bottle of wine alone in my room sounds divine.  

I don't do rejection.  It really sends me into a tailspin.  I am sure that a therapist would have a field day with me! I am sure that they could take apart my childhood and dissect it and tell me why I freak when I feel like someone doesn't want me.  I am sure that they could blame a hundred people in my past for the reaction that I have when I start a cycle of self loathing.

But does it really matter why I do it.  And at this age is it anyone's fault but my own.  I am quickly sneaking up on 40 years old.  That means that I have evaluated my own breakdowns more than I care to admit.  16 years ago, I let that feeling run my life.  Then again 8 years ago.  3 years ago, I was close to letting it tail spin me again but I held on.  That self evaluation over the last 15 years has enabled me to recognize when I am losing it.  It allows me to give myself those few hours (or longer if necessary) to recover.  It means that I know that I shouldn't have interaction with people if I don't have to until I can get myself under control.  It means that I need to let myself cry and feel the rejection in the moment.  If I push it off for too long...it gets the better of me.

So yesterday, I got rejected.  Today, I won't be rejected.  I'm over it.  I gave myself the chance to cry under my covers watching general hospital and feel sorry for myself for a few hours.  Then I got up and resumed my life.