Control Freak

I am a control freak (I can hear all of my friends & family say...no, not you!!!).

I like to have control over everything...I've talked before about how that OCD control freak behavior was intensified when Hailey was born.  The strong need to control everything else, since I couldn't control her disorder.

So my New Years Resolution was to let go of some of those things.  Here are some of my successes (and my failures).

SUCCESS:  I've finally let go of my addiction to cigarettes.  I quit in January and have only had 3 cigarettes since the day I chose to quit.

FAILURE:  I can't seem to lose the 10 pounds that not smoking has slapped on my hip area & I can't get hubby to want to quit no matter what tactic I've used.

SUCCESS:  I've finally let hubby take over the finances in the house.  I decided that if we don't have savings or the bills don't get paid on time, I DO NOT care!  The finances make me actually want to scream all of the time and it has been a huge relief to not control that.

FAILURE:  It's only been a few days since I've let go of the finances & I'm still sneaking peaks at the bank accounts to see how he's doing (shhhhh...lucky he never reads my blog!!)

SUCCESS:  I only allow myself to do the laundry 2 times a week.

FAILURE:  I can't possibly leave garbage in the bathroom garbage cans, no matter how I hard I try.

SUCCESS:  I let go of the need to control the manner & way that I made up with my sister and her best friend after a huge camping blowout disaster last year...no matter what they did, I still dug my heels in and refused to forgive either of them...when I let go of that, I found that I wasn't even angry (oh and I discovered over the last few weeks that there are worse things than our stupid fight).

FAILURE:  It took me 6 months of trying to make myself let it all go & in the meantime, I acted like a complete jerk and did things that were ridiculous and unspeakable...basically acting like a 13 year old in a 35 year old body!

SUCCESS:  I let go of trying to make everyone happy all of the time.  I have found that I am much happier since I stopped trying to make other people happy. 

FAILURE:  I am still trying to balance the concept of not needing to make anyone else happy and not caring how other people feel...It's a fine line that I'm still balancing.

So you see, most of the successes are things that I am still working on...who knows I'll probably fail and I'm certainly not really successful at leaving the house messy (at all...in fact right now, I'm looking over and there is a dish in the sink & it is making me crazy!!).  And my failures are certainly tied right into my successes...but I am trying.  I am trying to be much less of a control freak and not lose who I am all at the same time.  Because let's face it, part of the reason that I am who I am is because I can't leave that tissue in the bathroom garbage and that I asked for a gas leaf blower for mother's day so that I could have a perfectly clean & free from dust garage every day!!  Baby steps, you know?