I loved her...or love her...how do I say it now?

I sort of don't remember when we reconnected.  The power of facebook I guess.  We became myspace friends first and then facebook friends...and then we met for coffee one day...and then she needed a highchair and I had one for her to borrow.  So she came over and then I needed a walking partner and she wanted to walk and so we started walking...and on that first walk with our kids, which was supposed to be for an hour ~ She didn't leave until after 8 pm.  And it was on that day that we declared ourselves Soul Sisters. 

We were friends in middle school and in high school.  We lost touch somewhere after that...kept track of each other through friends of friends.  We led our own lives.  Made other friends.  Had our children.

And then something brought us back together.

We quickly became inseparable.  Talking every day...texting continuously throughout the day...walking 3 to 4 times a week.  We made everyone crazy because our "walks" never ended.  Quickly we began feeding the kids lunch together, swimming after the walks, having the kids play for hours on end. 

We had so much in common.  Both of our oldest were 15, then we each had 2 smaller ones.  She accepted Hailey for exactly who she was.  She never expected me to come to her house and always just understood that it was hard for me to visit other people's houses with Hailey. 

She was one of very few people who accepted me for the person who I was.  She loved me despite of the fact that you could eat off my floor.  She loved me despite the fact that I would freak out if we ate after 7 pm.  She loved me despite the fact that I was OCD about everything. 

She was a mildly flaky...but would never flake on me.  She knew I hated it and she would call as soon as she was going to be late (which was every time) and would tell me how late she would be.

She loved me and I loved her.  I am lucky because I told her all the time and she told me all the time.  She called me doll constantly and reminded me that I was strong enough to handle anything. 

She encouraged me to write and knew how much I loved it.  She encouraged me in everything.  She gave me more credit than I deserved most of the time.

I loved her...love her...I'm not sure how to say it anymore.  Past tense seems so odd.  I know that my head knows she is gone...I am just not sure that my heart knows it yet.  I called her voicemail today.  I think that it was on accident but maybe it was on purpose, who knows.  It was awful...just a reminder that she would never again pick up.

My Best Friend loved her children with all of her heart.  She lived her life with happiness and love.  She could light up a room and cheer up anyone. 

I miss you Tracey...with all of my heart. 

Please watch over us.