So afraid to fail

I have been so tired over the last few days and not at all in the mood to do much of anything.  I really just felt like I've been coming down with something but after talking with my hubby, I think it is something more.

I'm pretty sure that I am afraid to fail.

I have never really had that feeling in my life.  I normally just jump head first into most situations.  I don't over think things and I don't have difficulty making decisions...or at least I didn't.

While I was a part of the yacht chartering business with the villain (also known on my birth certificate as my father), I was confident, business savvy, and really really good at what I did.  I worked my butt off and enjoyed pretty much every minute of it.

Then everything fell apart when the villain decided that I didn't belong there anymore.

And I still held onto my confidence, for awhile.

I applied for high end jobs making a comparable salary.  I made it to the final interview for 3 very high profile positions.  It was between me and one other person....then they would hire the other person.  I did know that the villain was giving me a terrible reference and that was basically what the decision was coming down to in the end...so I kept trying...like the little engine that could.

And then one day, I quit.

I quit applying, I quit trying to get positions, I quit networking, I quit learning, I quit looking. 

I decided that I was right where I was supposed to be...failing.  That if my own father couldn't even bother to give me a reference so that I could keep food on the table for his grandchildren...if he could put me in the situation to lose my home, cancel my disabled child's medical insurance without notice (along with the rest of the families)...If he could retain attorneys and require that I hire one too (therefore having to cash in all of my retirement accounts), if he could forget that I was his daughter...If he could treat me like a competitor and not family...then why should anyone else give me a chance?  Why should I keep trying.

So I quit.

But it's been 2 years and 9 months and I have to say, I'm sort of sick of being afraid.  So I started something new.  I went and got my real estate license and signed on all of the dotted lines.

And now it is up to me to start moving forward.  But that's why I've been so tired...because I don't want to start...because I am afraid to fail.  I am afraid that he was right and that I'll always be a loser.  I am afraid that the voice that is him in the back of my head will make me fail.  I am afraid that all of the disappointment that I felt, that my family felt will resurface.

But I can't feel that way forever right?  And how do I overcome that?  I have to just start.

So today, I ordered my business cards, finished setting up my mls accounts, set up my home office, made a list of things that I needed and made an appointment for my training to start...all while really wanting to lay down and take a nap.

Who knows, maybe I'll fail, maybe I won't but my hope is that I will at least succeed in proving the villain wrong...that I will survive without him and I will be successful despite of him.