When Mommy Cries

I don't cry very often...Hardly ever.  I cried all of my tears almost 10 years ago...my tear ducts are pretty dry and I get mad, not sad.

So when Mommy cries, everyone knows it's something major.

Aubrey had her school Christmas party today and Hailey is out of school, so I had to take her with me to the party.  I actually thought about keeping Aubrey home and hoping she just forgot about it...That's how much of an ordeal it is to take Hailey into the 3 year old classroom.  But then I thought, well that's not fair to Aubrey.  She shouldn't have to miss it...

So I came up with a plan...I put Hailey in her wheelchair and figured I'd just park it out of the way of the other children so she couldn't reach any one's hair or head or arm or shirt or leg or...you get the picture...so she couldn't reach anyone or anything.

And I did...but it didn't matter.

See what I can't control is the other children and they were zipping past her and running about with their cookies in their little hands and she really wanted their hair, and probably their cookie too...So, I moved her back some more out of the running circle of wild 3 year olds.

There was a "book exchange" and the little girl who got Aubrey's book, came up to thank Aubrey.  I didn't even think about the fact that Hailey had seen me wrap that book and probably thought that it was for her...So I'm sure in her mind she was thinking, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BOOK THAT MY MOM IS GOING TO GIVE ME ON CHRISTMAS????????"...And I was too late when Hailey leaned over, grabbed the prized book and whacked the little girl over the head with it.



The prized book or shall we say...the latest weapon.


Tons of tears (it wasn't THAT hard of a whack but the girl was shocked)...and the mom says that it's OK but they all move as far to the other side of the room as they can possibly get...I think I muttered something like, "she'll be back to school in January so you won't have to see her anymore".

And I want to yell..."that is why we call her lilly long arms...she can literally make her arms extend to reach anything when she is determined"...and I want to explain that I try to be fast enough all the time and anticipate her every move but sometimes I FAIL...

Normally, I am not embarrassed of Hailey's behavior.  I can usually keep her under control and away from situations like this.  I don't apologize for her flapping or screaming or having to hold her hands as we walk by other children...

But today, I was humiliated.  And I didn't know how to fix it...I couldn't...And Aubrey was crying that Hailey always ruins her party and then I started to cry...in the classroom...in front of 16 sets of parents and grandparents and two very shocked teachers...And I fled...I scooped Aubrey up in one arm and pushed Hailey out of there like a whirlwind...all while hysterically crying.

Sometimes there are times like these when I wish I had that magic pill to fix her...Some type of hocus pocus magic trick to make her stop hurting other children...And then I feel guilty.

Guilty because when you are a special needs parent, you are expected to "embrace" the new life...that is how you get through it.  You accept it and deal with it and move forward...You don't make excuses...You challenge people to look at her so that you can prove you don't care...that it doesn't matter...that she is perfect in your eyes.

The fact of the matter is though that there will always be days like these...unexpected moments that sneak up on you and throw you into the depths of sadness and guilt and embarrassment...just like it was the first time someone looked at her funny...