Understanding ignorance is a difficult thing

Ignorance is an ugly thing...It makes people say things that are ridiculous and hateful and hurtful.

But I try to understand it most of the time.

I try to understand that when someone says something like "I've never seen anything like THAT before" when referring to my daughter...they are just ignorant.  I try to calmly tell them that SHE is not a THAT and she has feelings and can HEAR you!

I try to understand that when someone stares at her that they just don't know what else to do or where else to look...they are just ignorant.  I try to calmly tell them that staring is not nice and that she has feelings and EYES!

I try really hard to remember when I was ignorant about the "special needs world".  It is hard to remember...really hard...

I have a vague recollection of being in a park right after Hailey was born...Alright, it is more than a vague recollection.  It is more of a horrible imprint in my brain where I remember it perfectly and it TORTURES me.  Because I was the horrible ignorant ridiculous human being.

I was at a football game that her dad was playing in and we were sitting on the sidelines...a "perfect" little family before anyone mentioned the words microcephaly or simean crease or cri du chat or brain damage or seizures...Just my 4 year old boy, my 2 week old little girl and I...just sitting there...enjoying the game...watching the man in all of our lives & sitting with all of my "friends"...Oooooing and Awwwwwing over the baby and having a wonderful time.

Then he appeared.  I am sure that we all watched him walk up and I am pretty sure that we probably discussed him in some horribly ignorant way before he actually just appeared...but in my memory, he just APPEARED.  A special needs boy...Probably CP or Down Syndrome...although that is not what I thought at the time.  And he was there and he TOUCHED my BABY....and I was IGNORANT and horrified and all of the things that I hate about people who are ignorant towards Hailey now. 

He was alone.  He didn't have a caregiver with him or a parent or a friend.  Looking back, I have no idea why he was alone in a park with no supervision.  If I was in the same position now, I would have found out where they were and why he was wandering around in a park alone.  But not then, then I was IGNORANT.

I must have gasped and stared and been in shock.  I had never been around someone with special needs and I really just didn't want him to touch her.  I didn't really want him to look at her and I didn't want to have to talk to him.

Now, I wasn't mean and I know that I didn't act mean but I was SCARED & UNCOMFORTABLE...How ridiculous is that?  He just touched her face and her little sock and said she was pretty and then he walked away.  I am pretty sure that I said nothing...except for that horrible gasp that I am sure that he heard...because he had ears and eyes...and I was horrible.

So when I encounter all of this ignorance in the world towards my little lady or any ignorance at all...I try to remember that day, those feelings and how I wasn't a bad person...I wasn't educated and I was scared and I WAS THE IGNORANT ONE.

If I could go back I would say this to that boy..."She is beautiful isn't she...would you like to sit down in my chair and I can help you hold her?"...I can imagine his smile sitting in the chair with his blue jacket on while I helped him hold the little baby who would soon grow up to be just like him...I can imagine his feelings of happiness that a stranger didn't gasp at him...

All I can hope is that everyone that Hailey and I come in contact with can shed a little of their ignorance...and lose their fear...and maybe I will be forgiven for this horrible moment in my life where I was filled with all of the things I loathe in people now.